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"I saw a country I didn't recognize. A country that was broken. A country that needed help. So I decided that help needed to come from me. You've got Deez Nuts coming for you, America!"
- A True American

"I saw a country I didn't recognize. A country that was broken. A country that needed help. So I decided that help needed to come from me. You've got Deez Nuts coming for you, America!"
- Deez Nuts, American

What does Deez feel about the issues? He isn't real, so we can't know for sure, but we think it would go something like this:


Little suspicious that the only people who need health care are the sickly ones, isn't it? I've never been sick in my entire life. My mom has neve been sick in her entire life. My younger brother got sick once so we threw him to the curb and let him fend for himself in the wild. Now he's a bounty hunter in San Marcos. Didn't need healthcare for that. I am not in favor of health care.

Social Justice

I am not sure what social justice is, so I googled it just before I wrote this but all I saw were a bunch of teenage girls talking about how fat they are, so I am definitely not in favor of social justice. You aren't fat, you're beautiful. Oops, I just read the third result. Looks like social justice is not about teenage girls feeling fat because they were comparing themselves to the girls in the teen choice awards. Turns out it is about cops not going around killing people. I am also not in favor of that. Deez Nuts is, without hesitation, anti-girls without self-esteem/anti-murderous cops

Minimum Wage

The minumum wage is a heated issue. I, too, have visited the shores of San Francisco where it costs $5 to have a bum spit in your face. Because of that, I am extremely in favor of a $15 nationwide minumum wage increase– Wait, an intern (I have several) just told me it's now $7 to have a bum spit in your face, so replace $15 with $17 minimum wage increase. You know what? Let's just make it an even $20 for good measure.

Releasing Animals into the Streets

If you've been following the election this year, you know that some of my opponents are in favor of this. I think it is ludicrous and I think it is wrong. I will stop at nothing to ensure you that corrupted politicions do not release wild zoo animals in the streets and watch the chaotic mayhem from their IVORY TOWERS

Touching Weiners in Public Bathrooms

Against. I don't care how close the urinals are, Carl.


If I am elected President, I will outlaw racism. It is an abhorrent thing and should not be allowed in our catholic schools, biker bars, and trailer parks. The first punishment for racism will be that you have to watch Roots. All of it. And then you have to write an essay on it and the person you were racist too gets to grade it even if they're mean about how dumb you are. The punishment for a second offense is death.


I beleive firmly in a women's right to choose, as long as she chooses to follow the sacred word of Jesus Christ, Allah, Abraham, and L Ron Hubbard. Those were all very great men- where would be be if Mary aborted Jesus? Think about it.

A Border Wall

One of the definitions of a sovereign nation is that they control their borders. If elected, I will make sure America fulfills this requirement. Especially with our problem neighbors, if you know what I'm talking about. I mean, they come across the border, they take our jobs, they buy all our cool American clothes, and then they go back to their stupid homes across the border. I'm even in favor of NEVER allowing them in to our country at all- who needs Canadians anyways? Am I right people?

Human Cloning

I'm a bit more progressive than my peers on this issue. I beleive that every human should be cloned and we should keep our duplicates locked away, confushed and scared in cellars so we may harvest their organs if we ever need to, insuring that the perpetual reign of American superiority is extended even further.

Gay Marriage

Can you beleive what our country has come to? Us, as country, forcing TRADITIONAL families to get gay married? What's next? Us forcing wholesome, christian families to engage in polygamy? Us forcing them to, against their will, get married to bits of string? It is something I simply will not stand for. If elected president, I will make sure that all those people who got gay marriages even though they didn't want to will be taken care of.

Campaign Finance Reform

Any dummy who has opened up a history book knows that America, our amazing coutnry filled with bountiful resources and great beaches, was founded by a group of corporations who fought hard to be free of the United Kingdom's despotic rule. That's why I PLEDGE to make sure that corporations interests are protected. Corporations are paying out billions of dollars to make sure politicians listen to their requests- sounds a little unfair to ignore them, doesn't it?